I Write Ergo I Am Deep...

If They Pull A Knife...

2009-03-21T16:28:00.002+08:00

I did my National Service in the Police Force.

They taught me that the when dealing with a potentially hostile subject, the Law demands that I be prepared to respond with Necessary Force.

If he tries to punch you, you are trained to respond with Unarmed Tactics.
If he pulls a knife on you, you are trained to respond with your night-stick or T-baton.
If he pulls a gun, shoot the bastard.
it's what you're supposed to do.

The Law. The Book. The Man.

Call them what you like, they all mean the same thing: "The Ones Who Make The Rules."

They tell you that if you live a good life, fight the good fight, care for your neighbours, stay honest, kind and considerate, you'll be alright cos you've got your ass covered going by 'The Book' and you haven't done anything wrong. Keep it up. We'll start singing songs together about 'Mr Bluebird' and pink flamingos in tutus will dance around you with silk streamers trailing from their beaks.

There's another set of rules.

The Old School. Ghetto. The Code. The Brotherhood. Street Rules.

After I graduated from Police Training, I got thrown into the street.
Fuck It. I didn't learn these rules from my fellow police officers. It's just a metaphor. I've known and lived by these rules all my life. My eyes are filling up with tears as I type this. This is MY MORAL CODE. My belief in this is stronger than any religion can ever imbue into my soul. I've always lived by it without knowing I was. I don't need a set of rules to tell me what's right and wrong.

When you face a potentially hostile subject you PROTECT YOUR BROTHER. You do this by taking the subject out quickly because he might hurt your brother.

NOBODY HURTS MY FAMILY.

Even a man baring only his fists. Take him down fast. HE MIGHT HURT MY BROTHER NEXT TO ME. NOBODY HURTS MY BROTHERS. NOBODY GOES NEAR MY FAMILY.

Someone had a gun pointed at my back.
But I see his reflection.
I ducked into the shadows. I can still see him.
He sees my shadow.
He can't aim at me properly.

He's moved his gun.

He's pointed it at my family.
Please God. Grant me the self-control to pull back in time.

The video

2009-03-18T20:17:00.002+08:00

Firstly, I did not write those lyrics. They're from this band...

My fave version. Loads a little slow but it's worth it.

Bloody Awesome Lyrics

2009-03-09T20:12:00.001+08:00

//Yes, the same guys who gave us Lightning Crashes//

Run To The Water - Live

Oh desert speak to my heart
Oh woman of the earth
Maker of children who weep for love
Maker of this birth
til your deepest secrets are known to me
I will not be moved
I will not be moved

Don't try to find the answer
When there ain't no question here
Brother let your heart be wounded
And give no mercy to your fear

Adam and Eve live down the street from me
Babylon is every town
It's as crazy as it's ever been
Love's a stranger all around

In a moment we lost our minds here
And lay our spirit down
Today we lived a thousand years
All we have is now

Run to the water
And find me there
Burnt to the core but not broken
We'll cut through the madness
Of these streets below the moon
These streets below the moon

And I will never leave you

til we can say,
This world was just a dream
We were sleepin' now we are awake
til we can say

In a moment we lost our minds here
And dreamt the world was round
A million mile fall from grace
Thank God we missed the ground

Run to the water
And find me there
Burnt to the core but not broken
We'll cut through the madness
Of these streets below the moon
With a nuclear fire of love in our hearts

Yeah, I can see it now lord
Out beyond all the breakin' of waves
And the tribulation
Its a place and the home of ascended souls
Who swam out there in love!

Run to the water
And find me there
Burnt to the core but not broken
We'll cut through the madness
Of these streets below the moon
With a nuclear fire of love in our hearts

Rest easy baby, rest easy
And recognize it all as light and rainbows
Smashed to smithereens and be happy
Run to the water (and find me there)
Run to the water

WoW Terms Gone Wrong

2009-03-03T16:00:00.005+08:00

Just a little pet peeve I have about people who say/type the wrong thing all the time in WoW and wonder why they're confusing everybody else.

Firstly it's spelt roGUe not roUGe. Rouge is women's makeup.
Rogue is pronounced 'Roe-g', not 'roooj'.
Gnome has a silent 'G'. It's pronounced 'Nome', not 'ge-nome'.
'Proc' is short for 'process'. Hence, PPM stands for Processes Per Minute. You do not 'take 2.5 seconds to proc a frostbolt.' There is no such thing as a 'Proc Spec warrior'
'Prot' stands for 'Protection'. There is no such thing as 'Protections Per Minute'
Threat is pronounced 'TH-Rat' not Treat. There is no 'Treat Meter' except possibly on halloween.
There is an H in Hearth. You do not Heart back to your inn.
Garrote is not pronounced Karate. 'Gare-rut'.

That's all for now

I HAVE RETURNED!!!

2009-02-22T05:43:00.005+08:00

Yes! THREE exclamation marks!

For those who don't know, my computer died. No res.

Have spanking new 2nd hand computer. I've stopped shivering and the chills are ebbing.

=)
=)
=)
=)
=)
=)
=)

Blast from the Past

2009-01-10T20:26:00.001+08:00

This song was stuck in my head in secondary school

Send a Message - The Robertson Brothers

Flu Sucks

2008-12-22T00:48:00.003+08:00

I have the flu. I've got it BAD. Cough, blocked nose, really sore throat, green phlegm and worse of all BODYACHE. I've got the works. Now, I'm a tough guy. I'm so tough, the cats don't piss at the spots I've just pissed on. If I piss on a cat it's never gonna mate again. WTF am I going on about?

Ok so anyway this flu has got me beat. Here's a checklist so you know whether your flu is as bad as mine and you should go to work or just curl up in bed and give in to debilitation.

Your body ache is so bad, your left testicle hurts.
Your mum places a pink Hello Kitty tissue box by your bedside and you don't mind.
You try to stand up and you fall over from giddiness.
You try to stand up again and the muscles in your legs give out.
Smoking seems like a bad idea.
Beer sounds like a bad idea.
You can't tell who's calling your cell phone cos your eyes can't focus.
The residential handicapped parking lot now has your name on it.
You wonder why December is so hot and your friends tell you it's the coldest December in years...
You actually look forward to eating porridge.
You look forward to going back to work.
Even the thought of jerking off is too tiring.
You take an hour to write a post with 15 points and only end up with 13.

I'm tired. Goodnight

edit: You know you're really sick when you try to set a date to get laid with fruits...

This blogging thing isn't working...(cont'd)

2008-12-04T05:31:00.002+08:00

Ok food's done. Where was I?

Oh yeah.

Nobody (of the female persuasion) has propositioned me for blogging.

I suspect it's cos I'm a guy (and not gay either). I have to use up all my toilet time thinking up witty posts when I could be thinking of other things and all a girl has to do is post up a picture of herself and suddenly she has 326183526180 hits. It is quite impossible to post up an ugly self-taken pic. Even if you look like me.

I'm not jealous.

It's just unfair. Guys have to be extra witty, precise and politically accurate in order to not appear lame. Girls can blast absolute gibberish on their blogs and they'll still get positive feedback. From guys. Guys are stupid that way.

Conversely I almost never see positive feedback given from a girl to a really bad post from a guy. In the rare event this phenomenon occurs, the girl's usually didn't get it or is extremely dumb.

This makes most female bloggers think they're really smart even when they're posting garbage. Does anybody see the paradox here?

STOP SPOILING THE FEMALE BLOGGERS!

Be honest! Tell Xiaxue she's ugly and wears too much makeup and has bad grammar!(Right, Mia?) Tell Dawn Yang she looks like a blowup doll cos she can't move her face! And I wish all the dumbass guys would stop trying to ask girls out through their shoutboxes cos no girl is ever gonna say yes to a shoutbox request. It does however boost their egos and I'm tired of girls running around with over-inflated egos.

In the meantime, guys could use a bit of pampering. To the girls, start leaving nice comments cos guys do not leave sweet messages to other guys on their blogs.

I guess what I'm saying is it's perfectly okay to ask me out for a date via my shoutbox and if you find my posts intelligent, I'm free for sex on Tuesdays (WoW maintenance).

p.s. Mary-kate and Ashley Olsen are legal and freaking hot man. I hope they never get implants. Do they have a blog where I can ask them out?

I don't like Mega Mac burgers cos...

2008-12-04T05:11:00.001+08:00

my mouth can't open wide enough.

p.s. Don't eat while watching TV and the guys on Whose Line Is It Anyway are on form.

Commercial break over. brb

This blogging thing isn't working...

2008-12-04T04:35:00.002+08:00

My social status is not improving.

I thought I was supposed to become all popular and everything. When I meet my friends for coffee aren't they supposed to go "Hey that was such a cool post the other day man! You're so awesome! I'm gonna go home and write really smart blog posts and be just like you!!"

And the girls are supposed to be like

"Oh my god, you blog? I blog too!"

"And you actually write stuff!"

"I write stuff too but, the interface give me so many trouble like with grammar, and punctuating so I just put up pictures of myself."

"You must be an intelligence person."

"I like to have sex with intelligent bloggers..."

All this is not happening. Why the hell Okay my macdelivery just arrived. Time to eat. Inconvenience regretted...
To be Continued...
Stay Tuned...

Singlish!

2008-11-07T03:32:00.002+08:00

It's 3am. (It was actually 2am but if typed that it would sound too much like that song Amaze) . I'm standing in front of my room window, panels flung wide open. It's a really clear night. If I strain my eyes I can probably see tomorrow. The air is crisp and fresh and the fading growl of a motorbiker with a deathwish on the ECP jars the silence a bit.

I think to myself "Wah. Tonight damn nice. Air fresh fresh. Sio hoonkie lor."

I decide to have a late night insomnia-induced smoko. Ciggie pack in left hand, I whip out my last stick with my right hand and in my sleep-deprived stupor I fling my cigarrette out the window and try to light my cigarette pack.

I stare dumbfoundedly at the empty packet I'm trying to stuff into my mouth and exclaim in a slightly muffled voice "WAH! I'm how dumb can!"

I look out my window and watch my last smoke gracefully pirouette it's way to the ground and as is so often the case, my thoughts wander to distract myself from the emotional trauma of watching it's impact oupon the ground. (OK so I couldn't actually see it hit, but it was a 24 storey drop and I have a good imagination.)

I realised I was actually thinking in Singlish. These are my thoughts from this point onwards.

"Wow. I can actually think in Singlish."
"It should be my second language."
"MOE would never recognise it as a second language."
"Why isn't Singlish even a dialect?"
"Because foreigners can still understand it!"

Singapore is supposedly lacking in a cultural identity. Let's make one.
Let's totally fuck up spoken English so badly, nobody but Singaporeans can understand it.

"eh kanina waddafuglol lor. your say england damn buang ftl one leh."

Stuff like this. It'll be awesome. We could even split the dialects into north east and west sides! If any linguists reading this have any ideas, mail me. This might actually be fun.

Yeah I know this is bloody random. I don't care.

I go buy hoonkie liao.

Move Chuck, Getout da way! Getout da way Chuck, Getout da way!

2008-09-11T10:50:00.003+08:00

Why CHUCK NORRIS is AWESOME!

That's Chuck. If you don't know why Chuck Norris is awesome read THIS.

I'm sure you agree. Chuck Norris is way awesome. The man is so awesome, he goes through life with only 3 expressions.

The Chuck Norris Squinty-Eyed-Look-Of_Determination. This is the part where he gets sent on a mission or finds out the bad news (his family / best friend / local convenience store owner / per goldfish had died). This can last for up to an hour as Chuck methodically eliminates baddies until he reaches the last boss whereupon he squints a bit more. This is known as the Stare-down
The Chuck Norris StareDown. The StareDown can be found intermittently throughout the show when Chuck is confronted by moral dillemas (when convenience store clerk asks Chuck to pay for his beef jerky *StareDown*), when engaging baddies in conversation for character development ( Oh Yeah? Watcha gonna do about it? *StareDown*), or when confronting the last boss ( *StareDown* I'm gonna make ya pay, baddie!)
The Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. Yes, The CNRhK is so awesome it is considered an artistic expression of life - or lack therafter - in all fields of entertainment. The CNRhK is virtually omnipotent. It can do everything from knocking away aimed missiles into enemy attack/escape vehicles to defeating the last boss after the StareDown when Chuck has run out of missiles, bullets and throwing pies

Who Can Possibly Defeat Chuck?

Yep. Zohan Can.

The Zohan is not as awesome as Chuck Norris. Everything The Zohan can do (The Bullet Catch, swim faster than a motor boat, wall-jump, Crotch Press-ups, etc) can be nullified be a CNRhK. However the Zohan is probably the one person on the planet who can shave Chuck Norris' Beard wherein lies all of Chuck's power!

Ok I've reached the limit of my attention span on this post. I'll end by saying I pwn them both cos I have a remote control.

I Think, Therefore I Am...

2008-09-09T07:13:00.002+08:00

...Afraid of LordShade

Emo!

2008-08-18T02:56:00.002+08:00

I realise my introductory post said this blog was supposed to be dark and 'emo'. People have asked why it's so 'happy'. They also said it was 'poseurish'. So here's a bit of 'emo' for you...

FUCK YOU! YOU ALL SUCK! DO NOT HAVE SEX COS YOU WILL PRODUCE MONKEYS AND LOWER THE AVERAGE NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT! YOU DON'T GET IT AND YOU NEVER WILL!

Nothing personal =)

muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Once In A Lifetime

2008-08-15T02:37:00.001+08:00

It's getting dark too soon
A threatening silence surrounding me
A wind comes up from the islands

When distance fades to stormy grey,
Washed out from the deep of the ocean,
Here I will stand to face your wrath,
While all the others are praying

Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast
Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime
Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast
Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime

No rain can wash away my tears
No wind can soothe my pain
You made me doubt, you made me fear
But now I'm not the same

And when silence comes back to me
I find myself feeling lonely
Standing here on the shores of destiny
I find myself feeling lonely

I had a life to give, many dreams to live
Don't you know that you're losing so much this time?
Beyond the waves, I will be free
While all the others are praying

Calm down my heart

The love in you, it does not burn
There is no lesson you can learn
And there are sounds you cannot hear
And there are feelings you can't feel

Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast
Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime
I don't pretend that I love you
And this time I'm not scared of you

--Wolfsheim

RADARS!

2008-08-05T11:15:00.002+08:00

MINDEF and the Defense Science and Technology Agency have decided to put a military radar on my roof. My flat is 25 storeys high and I stay on the 24th. I've heard tell that handphone reception, internet speed etc etc do experience some form of interference.

If anybody has any first hand experience do leave a comment or leave me an email at keithlim@pacific.net.sg. We're currently attempting to petition against it.

I Like Getting People Irritated

2008-08-05T10:14:00.005+08:00

I was gonna title this post "I Like Irritating People" but that could be taken two ways.

I haven't felt the need to shove any of my opinions through your visual receptors of late. There's nothing in particular I need to rant/rave/rage about and that's what this blog was meant to record.
On the other hand, people have actually been asking me to update this blog, which means there are some people who actually do read this junk and that's pretty cool!

Here's a personal to-do list:

Pick up a hot chick at a club. One of the skanky ones who know they're hot and look like they went to the David Blaine School of Extreme Dancing. Then drop her as you're leaving together saying, "Oh man! You're not as hot as I thought. Damn you Jose Cuervo!" Then run down the street as fast as possible.
Mumble at someone until they come really close and then scream "I SAID CAN YOU HEAR ME?" **Thank you for this one, Paul.
Go to a LAN shop. Tell the counter guy I want a keyboard without the letters. "I'm sorry but I just can't figure out where the keys are with all those runes on them."
Run into a LAN shop at top speed screaming "HASTE!" Run to the drinks machine and buy a drink. Scream "REGENERATION!!" Then slam dunk the can into a dustbin and scream "DOUBLE DAMAGE". Leave before I get thrown out.
With National Day around the corner, I was trying to figure out what the Singapore Spirit is. I've realised the Singapore Spirit is all about Goh Chok Tong (not about the pontianak as I initially surmised). There's The Father (LKY), The Son (Lee Hsien Loong) and the Holy Ghost (or Holy Goh). Ok this joke is quite bad. I'm leaving it in anyway. It's my blog.
Hang out at Orchard Towers late at night and solicit the hookers. "Hi, I big cock! You want? $200 OK? Oi you go where? Come back! Really big cock!"
Go Trick or Treating during the seventh month.
Beat up someone's boyfriend. "Is that your girl you're talking to? Well I don't like the way you're talking to her." *whack*

Any more ideas?

The devil's water it ain't so sweet, you don't have to drink right now.

2008-07-14T16:34:00.000+08:00

The Hacker Manifesto

2008-06-27T18:22:00.015+08:00

/*This was written by The Mentor in 1986 and earned more notoriety after being quote by the movie Hackers in 1995. I understand a version 4.0 of The Hacker Manifesto has been in circulation. It's Crap. Hacking was never political. To the uninitiated (quite frankly this means most of you) Learn what Hacker really means first. */

#include

int main()
{
printf ("

Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers. "Teenager Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank Tampering"...

Damn kids. They're all alike.

But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain, ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker? Did you ever wonder what made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?

I am a hacker, enter my world...

Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...

Damn underachiever. They're all alike.

I'm in junior high or high school. I've listened to teachers explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I understand it. "No, Ms. Smith, I didn't show my work. I did it in my head..."

Damn kid. Probably copied it. They're all alike.

I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's because I screwed it up. Not because it doesn't like me... Or feels threatened by me.. Or thinks I'm a smart ass.. Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...

Damn kid. All he does is play games. They're all alike.

And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board is found. "This is it... this is where I belong..." I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...

Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike...

You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food at school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We've been dominated by sadists, or ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach found us willing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert.

This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals.

Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for.

I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.");

return 0;

/*This is how we really thought, felt, believed. The hacker subculture was the urban version of the hippie revolution 10 years late. I first discovered this in 1996 on a BBS with my 9600 bps suprafax modem. Singtel tore down the BBS 2 weeks later.

For The Hacker, The Gamer, The Designer, The Artist, The Actor, The Unexpressive People, The Ones Who Scream At The Gods For Getting It Wrong, this sentiment carries across the board.

For those to whom this article has relevance, I am Cyb3rst0rm later known as Cyanide.*/

}

Spiderman, Iron Man and The Hulk

2008-06-20T12:45:00.001+08:00

I know I'm slow, but this is just so cool.

I Like To See What I Breath

2008-06-20T11:52:00.003+08:00

As every smoker will attest to, smoking is less of an addiction than it is a habit. The addictive urge is easier suppressed then we let on. It takes decades to truly get hooked in my opinion. What really kills us is not having anything to do when, well, when there's nothing to do.

Since everybody likes lists as opposed to walls of text, here's why smokers smoke...

Smoking is the best short-term self-reward program we concoct, i.e. "I'll give myself a smoke break as soon as I finish this e-mail." I believe this is where the myth that smoking relieves stress comes from. Smoking actually chemically elevates stress levels. Stress is a mental thing, however, so whatever works then.
Smoking facilitates social dynamics. Nothing breaks the ice or bonds people faster than a smoke break. "Wanna go for a smoko? Oh, you smoke sampoerna? I used to smoke that. They're awesome. Can I have one?" A smoker joins a new company or social group knowing that all the smokers will quickly become his friends.
Smoking expedites public transportation. Every smoker knows taxis and busses never appear until you light up that stick. So the trick is to head to pick-up point, wait for 2 minutes and then light up. Instantly 5 taxis will appear. Light a cuban cigar and the CEO of the LTA will pick you up personally.
Beer tastes so much better with a cigarette.
Cigarettes provide energy boosts. The best 2.4km runners are almost always smokers.
With the ban of smoking in clubs, I'm sure "Wanna step outside for a quick one?" is a feasible pickup line now. Guys, let me know.
*Note: Make sure target is a smoker as well first. Or not. Depends on what kind of smoko she has in mind.
Smoking is a lifestyle. Some people go to winepubs after work. Some people love their coffee/beer/etc. We like our kopitiams and hoonkie. Once again, social bonding.
Cigarettes are just so good after dirty sex...
Civic Conscientiousness! Smokers shit and smoke and stoners smoke shit. Either way, your toilets soon smell better. Would you rather walk into a smoke-filled toilet cubicle or a a cubicle stinking of shit? It is always a well known fact that the combination of fumes are conducive to creative thinking. Archimedes was probably on a bowl with a cigar instead of his bath when he screamed Eureka! Damn the censors... (thanks Mars)

I'm sure I missed out lots. Gimme more!

Lost Words...

2008-06-10T19:23:00.003+08:00

Guys,

If any of you remember my speech at Montie's wedding, make a reply here. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I said.

Courtesy of Mia Tan

2008-06-10T19:10:00.002+08:00

I’ve dated many gamers. Countless.

Unreal Tournament, Diablo, World of Warcraft, Streets of London, Age of Conan, you name it i’ve dated it.

And no, I don’t date Counter Strike Bengs.

I only date REAL MEN who play ~~REAL~~ ROLE-PLAYING GAMES.

These men are PASSIONATE (about their game), STEADFAST in love (with their online character) and LOYAL (to their battle mates).

All the traits I’ve checked off on a list for my perfect man.

Gamers almost never cheat on their partners. Because they have no time to.
They rush home after movies to battle with their team.
They hurry through dinner to complete a new mission.
They play well into the early hours of the morning, lacking sleep they result in grumpiness, short tempers, unkempt other halves.

It doesn’t take another physical human being to steal your boyfriend, it can also come in the form of a cyber character.

So as i frag one gamer boyfriend after another, they all still seem to respawn around me.

Like they say, if you can’t beat them, join them.

P.S i’ve always wondered, who’s they anyway?!

From the blog of Mia Tan and Superstar

Of Weddings and Red Packets...

2008-06-06T13:45:00.010+08:00

Social Failures.

In every large scale event a few of them always turn up.

They are usually:

Very career-oriented
Consider themselves classy
Think very highly of their own opinions and believe in absolutes
Materialistic
Listen to your opinions but usually think they are wrong and
You can never call them out for a mistake

When you get invited to a wedding, the invitation card has RSVP on it.

When it says "You are cordially invited. RSVP.", it does not mean that a RESERVUP cordial will be served at the wedding. RSVP stands for Répondez, s'il vous plaît. It means Respond If You Please. That's essentially a nice way of saying "We just sent you a bloody nice card. That took effort. If you wish to grace us with your over-inflated ego and would actually like us to prepare food for you then please make the fucking effort to tell us."

I was best man for a wedding recently. 'Best man' is another word for 'Wedding Coordinator'. For those of you who think that you have 'organised' a wedding for a friend, please understand that all you did was 'help out with certain tasks'.

Irksome Incident #1

A prudish-looking lady goes up to reception and doesn't find her name on the register and gets angry.

Reception girls ask "May I have your name, ma'am?"
Prude: " No my name's not there. What game are you all trying to play?"

Back and forth, back and forth, still won't give name. Recep girl runs for help. Me.

Me: Evening Ma'am. Are you acquainted with the bride or groom?
Prude: No ah...why is my name not on the list?
Me: (You can't find it cos it's upside down to you, stupid) May I have your invitation card please?
Prude: I didn't bring it. What do you want it for?
Me: So I can try to check your name with my list. May I have your name then, Ma'am.
Prude: Why should I? My name should be there!
Me: Yes but we have to search for your name.
Prude: I don't know what game you are trying to play young man. You'd better call the bride up here right now!
Me: I can't do that. She's getting ready. Err Did u RSVP?
Prude: Why should I do that? I was invited!

Mein Gott...

Irksome Incident #2 (via MSN)

				Annoyant				i din noe the dinner was not a chinese dinner!
				Annoyant				My date and i bao quite big leh
				Shade				err so?
				Shade				i dont see the connection
				Annoyant				we gauged by the amount
				Annoyant				as in the venue
				Annoyant				so we gave 150
				Annoyant				and the dinner was....
				Annoyant				not a chinese dinner

The conversation carries on with me questioning if she is implying that she didn't get her money's worth. She denies this by challenging me to cut and paste the part where she actually states this.

I don't think I need to.

She then goes on to say that she actually checked online for the price of a Chinese wedding dinner at the location and packed that accordingly. She thinks that the price listed is the exact amount that's paid per person. Basic Budgeting. Fail. But the fact that she under-valued her Ang Pao isn't what bothers me. Her complaining that it wasn't a Chinese dinner is.

And if said person dares to come here and tell me that isn't what she was implying then I beg the opinion of every reader here to tell it as you see it.

I had another friend who couldn't attend because she was 'too broke for the ang pao'.

Since when did attending a wedding dinner become all about the ang pao. You are invited to share in the joy of the newly wedded love birds. Whether you give a big ang pao is irrelevant; it's supposed to represent a well-wish. What matters most is that you are important enough to be invited and the happy couple want to see you in what is possibly the biggest event of their lives. Is it so hard to make that effort?

Her: "Wah! she only give $20!"
Him: "She's from your side of the family you know."

To these couples I say "I hope you get divorced soon."
People like this do not cherish the event.

Since when did weddings become a money-making racket? If really was about the money, I'd get married every month, go on a honeymoon with the proceeds from the wedding and get divorced, thereafter splitting the profits with the new ex-wife.

I see why divorces are on the rise these days.

Life

2008-05-31T21:07:00.002+08:00

Suffering is the collision between Love and Destiny.
Everything else is just music and songs.

-Rodney Roberts

You're never lonelier when... (a.k.a. The Loser's Post)

2008-05-27T01:38:00.003+08:00

This was supposed to be another list-post.

Fuck it. It wasn't worth posting.

Phew

2008-05-22T15:39:00.003+08:00

oday, I am reminded that when things do not look to nice and shiny, and when you are feeling like giving the world a piece of your mind and to stop making the effort to be a genuinely nice person, all it takes is a little reciprocation to remind you that it only takes a little thoughtfulness and consideration to make someone else happy.

And the best part about it is, it doesn't cost you anything at all.

http://www.xanga.com/joethedude

Thank you, Grey, for that candle of sanity.

525,600 Seasons of Suicide (Where Shade Discovers Ctrl+B)

2008-05-22T14:40:00.005+08:00

HOLY HOMICIDAL HOMO-SAPIENS BATMAN!

What the fuck is up with this sudden surge in people coming up to me and going:

"Keith...should I kill myself? I really really wanna kill myself"
or
"Keith...should I get doped up? I can't face life!"
or
"I want to become a monk. No really. I'm serious. This world is too much for me. I can't face it anymore. I wanna hide up in a little cave and blah blah blah".

"Why?"

"My boss treats me like shit."
"I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me."
"I lost my phone."
"My girl whom I refused to give a commitment to doesn't wanna be with me anymore."
"I don't know which guy to choose and I'm guilt-ridden."
"My goldfish died."
and my all-time favourite...
"I wanna kill myself because I need love."

"..."

At this point I /wrists.

SERIOUSLY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
You come to me telling me that you want to fuck your own self over because you got fucked over?
I understand about overriding emotions, hormonal imbalances and depression but the one distinguishing feature that differentiates humans from animals is the ability to USE THAT BRAIN.

Welcome to Shade's 3 Step Program.
There is a problem.
1) Identify it.
2) Fix it.
3) Get over it.

It's not as if somebody died. (Goldfish/hamster doesn't count). I say again...you want to fuck your own self over because you got fucked over?
All this tells me is you're a Dramattention* whore. You want the attention and because you want your problem to be the single biggest tragedy since Walker, Texas Ranger your decide to go for the over-dramatic approach.

You want my attention? "Keith! You'll never guess what happened! My boss just stole my handphone and had sex with my best friend's girlfriend's pet goldfish! And it died from anal trauma! And now he won't take responsibility!"

Don't do the big dramatic opening with me please.

It makes me want to /wrists x 525600 (cos I don't really wanna die. It's just a dramatic response.)

Why Singaporean Women Throw Themselves at Expats

2008-05-17T14:39:00.006+08:00

Most expats can't differentiate one Asian from another. All Chinese / Malay / Indian / Horribly Disfigured Asian Women fall under the category of "Exotic".
They tend to be bigger sized. That makes big girls feel small and small girls feel secure. Expats got noticed first thus leaving all our local big guys in the dust.
They're rich and powerful. They can afford to throw money around. DUH. If I were an expat overseas I'd have the same spending power. Local entrepreneurs don't have time to bother flirting with flighty local women who can't see beyond the rich and powerful ang moh's money flashing. Sadly our local boys have to be filial and give money to their mums.
Expats are sweeter and more charming. Of course if any local boy tried any of the moves/lines they pulled they'd be forced to bust out a kung-fu block that all Asians guys are trained in from young. This is because of the incoming kung-fu slap for being so cheeky. When expat tries it the girls just go "Teeheegiggle He just said he wanted to sleep with me cos I have nice tits! teeheehee".
Expats are manly and will fight for the rights of their women. Newsflash. They're just drunk. People who really know how to fight (like myself) would rather walk away. I might accidently kill you. I have nothing to prove. I already know my penis is longer, thicker and harder than yours. If proven otherwise I can incapacitate your penis. Plus I expect my women to be able to defend themselves to a certain degree with a smart tongue and a quick knee. Please don't fall for that redundant display of aggression.
Thrown feminine projectiles can be intimidating, especially when said projectile is heavier. Chinese man go splat. Expat likee go splat. (dumbasses)
Expats have big dicks. True. God turned to them one day and said "The bad news is you're gonna be as dumb as a chihuahua. The good news is that it won't matter one bit." (If you didn't catch the chihuahua reference then u're as dumb as an expat.)

If you are an expat reading this and you're getting angry, get a sense of humour. I've been laughing at slanty-eyed chink/gook jokes for years.

I do not hate expats. I just get annoyed that our local women act like evangelical City Harvest-ers around them.

Crystal Meth In Perspective

2008-05-16T21:30:00.007+08:00

Crystal Meth is the by-product of Rednecks and applied Science.

I'm all for illegal herbage and synthetic stimuli but you'd need an IQ 1 point above retardation to want to try anything that originated from the bottom of a petri-dish last handled by a redneck who just finished reading Alchemy 101 For Dummies.

Even the retards won't try it. So what does that make you?

Well I'm Back...

2008-05-16T20:12:00.002+08:00

If you're reading this then you're probably already mentally prepared to be intellectually insulted and condescended at.

You're welcome to comment on any of my posts because I don't care what you have to say.

The theme of course had to be black because this blog is supposed to be deep and emo.

I'll end my first post by saying that I think most of you suck. The one's that don't suck, you know who you are anyway. Do you?